Married nearly a year, Tim and I were expecting our first child together. Oh how excited we were. During my second trimester I started spotting. I had experienced spotting during my pregnancy with Tyler yet had a perfectly normal pregnancy with him so I didn’t panic right away, but my motherly intuition just wasn’t right. I called the doctor & explained the situation & they assured me that everything was probably fine, but to call them back if my symptoms worsened. Suddenly I began cramping, but I wasn’t sure if it was my nerves or if something was wrong. Tim and I decided to head to my doctor’s office. During the drive there I got worse, and by the time Tim got me in the elevator of the doctors office I was literally gushing blood. I was terrified. As soon as we arrived my doctor began a sonogram and instantly we saw a little heart perfectly beating. Then Tim heard the words he never expected to hear, “IT’S A BOY!” He cried tears of joy! He was beyond excited. The sonogram also showed that my placenta was low lying, but was early enough in my pregnancy that it didn’t appear to be a huge problem. I was put on bedrest for a couple weeks as a cautionary step. We left the doctor’s office completely reassured. We heard his heartbeat, we saw his heartbeat, we saw him — he was fine!
Later the next weekend we were out and about with the kids and I felt this tightening in my stomach. It wasn’t frequent enough for me to grasp what it was right away, but by the time I got home it was happening every 10-15 minutes. I called the doctor right away who told me to go to the closest hospital as soon as possible. Against my better judgment I went to a nearby hospital that my doctor did not work at. By the time I arrived I was contracting every 5 minutes. The ER doctor very insensitive and had awful bedside manors. He told me I was 2-3 weeks shy of going to the “labor and deliver unit” (where an OBGYN could examine me instead of an ER doctor). He also warned me that I was likely I having a miscarriage. He offered to give me some pain medicine to help with the pain. The pain . . . I still get mad when I think about that. The pain wasn’t from my contractions, the pain was in my heart and no amount of pain medicine was going to make it better. So I did all I knew I could do, I prayed and prayed and by the grace of God my contractions stopped on their own. The following Monday we were back at the doctor’s office doing another sonogram. There was still a perfectly healthy baby with a strong heartbeat! During my sonogram my doctor discovered that I had an incompetent cervix, which required a cerclage immediately! From there things moved quickly. I was in the hospital & having surgery within an hour. The surgery went well and the next week was quite uneventful as I stayed on bed rest.
September 11, 2003 I was sitting on the couch with my family and felt the urge to go to the bathroom — which for a pregnant woman is NOT unusual, less than 5 minutes after that trip I felt the urge again. As I sat down I felt this small gush of fluid. I was almost positive I didn’t pee, but I wasn’t sure it was my water breaking. I wasn’t contracting but we decided to go to my doctor’s office for some reassurance.
I remember that drive like it was yesterday. The rain was pounding down on our windshield the entire hour & a half it took us to get to the hospital. It was as if God was crying with me and holding my tears in His hands as my heart broke and I watched my husband, for the first time, be completely broken. By the time we arrived at the hospital I was contracting every 2-3 minutes. Again, another sonogram and again there he was, my little baby, hearting perfectly beating. But this time my doctor had a look in his eyes, a tear, “I am so sorry Tiffany, there is no fluid around him, you are in labor and there is nothing we can do.” My last feeling of hope was being ripped from me.
My heart broke into pieces. At that very moment apart of me shut down. It was like I was going through all the emotions, but just stopped feeling. I did NOT want to be doing this! This was not my plan. This was not supposed to be happening.
Talon Blake Scott was born that day and even then, his little heart was still beating! His heart beat for several minutes as we whispered how much we loved him and how special he was, then in his daddy’s hands it slowly stopped. The joy of saying hello and the sorrow of saying goodbye to him all at once were bittersweet moments for us. Talon was less than a pound and about six inches long with the tiniest little hands and feet. Even as little as he was, he looked so much like I had imagined him to.
I remember the hospital room – how big & empty it was, the look on everyone’s face as they came inside the room. Apart of me died that day. I just wanted my baby. I longed to wrap him up and hold him. Poor Tim, I was so weak physically & emotionally he had to bare so much of his pain on his own. Leaving the hospital empty handed was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. The quietness in the car on our way home and then trying to explain to our other three children what happened to their baby brother was even harder.
The next week was terrible. Instead of planning my baby shower, I was planning a funeral service for my son. Even now, to say those words it seems so unreal. How could this be possible? Tim and I picked out a beautiful granite headstone with a tiny little lamb carved out of the top. Our dads performed the service and only our close family was present.
We were completely devastated. There was an unspoken anger & pain that followed. I would just screamed at the top of my lung or cried into a pillow during my alone time. We decided it would be best to get away to the beach and enjoyed some alone time as a family. There is something healing about the ocean, it seemed to bring a peace into our hearts.
Days turned into weeks & weeks turned into months. A few months passed and I was pregnant again, but I was still so angry with God, I just couldn’t understand how he allowed my baby to die, but I knew how much I needed Him — especially now that I was expecting another baby. After my pregnancy with Talon, my doctor wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to carry a baby to term because of my incompetent cervix. I set my feeling aside, determined to do everything in my power to make sure we didn’t go through the heartache of losing another baby.
My pregnancy with Tucker was a lot of work. I had another cerclage (this time much sooner), but I still had a lot of preterm labor and was on and off bedrest the entire pregnancy. On August 25, 2004 Tim & I were bless with a healthy baby boy, Tucker Dwayne Scott. He was truly an answered prayer. We were overwhelmed with happiness. He was our rainbow after the rain! He brought something back in Tim that I was afraid he had lost forever.
When Tucker was 10 months old I think God decided it was time for me to deal with my issues of loosing Talon. One day Tim & I were sitting on the couch watching TV with all the kids when Tucker became unusually fussy. I began the routine of consoling him & when I got to his diaper my heart fell to the floor. Tucker had completely prolapsed rectally (I had no idea it was that at the time though). Thank God Tim was home. We immediately rushed him to the emergency room. Initially we were told he needed to be careflighted to a children’s hospital, but after the doctors consulted they were able to treat him there. The next day we followed up with our pediatrician and were put on a list for a specialist (scheduled weeks away). Tucker continued to prolapse few times a day.
God had my attention now! All those buried feelings, all that anger, I had to deal with it — I was so afraid I was going to loose Tucker. At that moment my life changed. I prayed like I had never prayed before. I threw myself at Gods mercy. I began to pray very specific prayers and God was faith to quickly answered every single request I prayed. He did care. He was still listening. One of my requests was for God to quickly find us a doctor who was familiar with what was going on. During an appointment with our pediatrician, she called in a favor to a specialist and we had an appointment 2 days later. Tucker had surgery 2 days after that and hasn’t had any issues since! PRAISE GOD!
God now had my attention. I began to spend more time with Him. I realized I could only hear Him, if I stop long enough to listen. He isn’t a drive thru — He desires our time with Him. On the year anniversary of Talons birth my mother gave me a book that touched my heart deeply, Feathers From My Nest by Beth Moore. I loved her style of writing and found healing in her book. I decided to begin one of her Bible studies, Heart Like His. I was very diligent with my studying and loved the time I spend with God. Throughout my studying, God not only answered very special prayers, but he revealed something to me which I am forever grateful for. A Heart Like His is the study of King David. One of my favorite parts of this study was the story of David and his best friend Jonathan. Jonathan was killed in battle and David, the king, asks if he has any living children. It is explained to him the only child of Jonathan who is still living is a cripple (considered worthless in that time of history). David didn’t care! He not only brought him to his table but treated him as his own child.
You see, sometimes God has to cripple us to bring us to His table.
God has forever crippled me with the desire to see my son sitting at His table someday. Never did I imagine my heart would ache the way it has for Talon. I miss him so much. I miss all the things I planned to do with him. Not a day has passed that I haven’t thought of him, wondered what he would be doing right now, or wished he were here lined up with his brothers. Time passes, but this crippling of my soul remains. For the short time he was here, he became apart of our family. Some day we will see the whole story of his life — not his death. I have realized that sometimes God has a different plan for our lives than we planned or even wanted. I have learned to truly trust God. Not to just pray & then do what I want, not to pray & have a back up plan incase God doesn’t give me the answer I want, and not to pray & give it to Him but continue to worry. I have learned to truly trust God and give all my worries to Him, to seek Him in times of heartache & even anger, to want what He wants, to believe & trust that He hears me & has already answered me.
Our time with Talon was so short, but a time I will cherish forever. As years pass by, time heals a lot, but I will always have this emptiness inside my heart. I read someone describe this type of loss as an amputation – you have forever lost apart of yourself & life will never be completely whole again. At 21 years old, my life was forever changed. My God allowed me to be crippled in my life here on earth & gave me the BEST reason any mother could have to make sure I live a life & raise my children in a Godly home so that we may all be together someday in His kingdom. Little did I know that through the death of our baby God was giving our family life.
At that time I couldn’t see it. I didn’t understand. I still don’t completely. I never would have imagined I’d ever consider the loss of our son a gift. In fact, I probably would have hurt anyone that even suggested such! I was so angry with God for where He took me at that point in life. Truthfully, I really didn’t care what His plan was – it certainly wasn’t the same as my plan. I was not ready to see the Big Picture. . . I thought God was taking my son. I didn’t realize He was giving him eternal life.
Heaven is offered, but never guaranteed. As parents our ultimate goal is for our children to grow with God, but sadly that is not always the case. There is no guarantee that if we are “perfect” parents, homeschool our children, take them to church, read them the Bible, play with them, nurture them, etc. that all that will secure our children’s (or even our own) entry to Heaven. There just is no guarantee.
September 11, 2003 my son went to Heaven. Talon was given the gift of ETERNAL LIFE! I have a child growing with the Almighty.
“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” -2 Corinthians 4:17-18