“…weep between the PORCH and the altar…”
For years I maintained a blog, Teaching Diligently 2 Many, where I loved sharing my wonderful crazy life – my life before the day I stood on my porch at Heaven’s doors holding my three year old son, Truman, as he took his last breathe. After his death, that was not our life anymore and we weren’t those people.
Although our hearts were still beating, we weren’t really living and there certainly didn’t seem to be anything wonderful to share with the world… Except for what God was doing for our family through such a devastating tragedy. The day I stood on our porch I faced a door which led me to a room where my other 5 children sat waiting to hear how their little brother was. I couldn’t bare the thought of having to tell them the terrible news. . . I placed my hand on our door & claimed Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I begged God to make His presence known to our entire family, especially my children. And that is exactly what God did.
Whether I am looking back, having a flashback, or retelling those moments from the porch of holding my dying son, there is this vivid image of a huge angel (I am assuming the Arc Angel Michael). Although, I didn’t see him that day, I could feel God’s holy presence and I have no doubt He sent His angels to be with us. You see, I don’t think there was ever a time from the moment our world went wrong that day in which God was not there. He did not leave us nor forsake us. In fact, He made His presence all the more known, not only in those moments, but the days, weeks, and months to follow.
Genesis 50:20 says, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Instantly, through my husband’s salvation days after Truman’s death, God quickly began to show me the good He intends to accomplish from something the devil would like nothing more than to use to harm us. Not only did my husband give His life to God, but a sweet friend of ours was also baptized immediately after Truman’s memorial service. Then as our story spread & God’s light shined down over us, I continued to receive messages of how Truman’s life (& death) had changed so many other people’s lives and made them see the importance of a relationship with God.
Over the next several months I shared my heart on Facebook with our close friends and family. It was a safe outlet for me which I found encouragment through the support and feedback I received. As I transparently shared my (growing) testimony the Lord put it on my heart to not only share His faithfulness within the safety net of Facebook, but to trust Him in speaking more publicly. After I gave my testimony at a women’s confrence in March I began to feel the Lord’s prompting to start a new blog. I prayed for months over this decision – asking for God to give me blatant confirmation that this was a path HE was leading me down. As silly as this sounds, I asked Him to provide me with a name for this new website or ministry as a sign that this was His will. I patiently waited and despite several failed attempts at brainstorming names nothing seemed to fit. Until a couple months ago, after I returned from a very healing women’s retreat, I stumbled onto Joel 2:17 “…weep between the PORCH and the altar…”
For most people this scripture would have little meaning, but you see it was on the porch that I stood weeping. As I began to enthrall myself into the book of Joel I instantly realized God gave me this scripture. The porch is directly in front of the door of the Holy place, where the presence of God is enthroned. It is here that the priests would intercede with tears. The altar – this is where we are to offer our burnt offerings. Over the course of my grieving I have came to understand that the sacrifice God was asking of me, was not that of my son for his, but He was asking me to sacrifice my grief, my pain, my anger – He wanted it all & He wanted me to lay it at His altar – in the Holy of Holies.
And that my friends, is my God. He is sovereign, He is understanding, He is ever so faithful, and it is only by His Grace alone that I can stand between the porch and the alter and weep – interceding with tears and a heart willing to serve him.